Many parents tell me their child is fully potty trained at home, but at nursery or preschool they have constant accidents or withhold. They hope the situation will resolve but don’t know what to do to change things. They can’t understand why it’s only happening in those places. Here’s what I tell them.
How toileting skills develop
Toileting is one of the last big developmental skills of the early years. In terms of its complexity, its up there with learning to walk or talk. Potty training involves complex physical, mental and emotional skills including body awareness, emotional regulation, gross and fine motor skills, communication, decision-making, and social confidence – all working together at once. And like all complex skills in early childhood, it is not learned in a straight line.
The myth of the straight line
We tend to imagine development as going in a neat, straight upward line on a graph where each success builds upwards linearly. But like in nature, things rarely grow in straight lines. The process of learning in the early years means skills can come and go, be strong then wobble, disappear temporarily then reappear more robustly. This is completely normal, especially for skills that are newly emerging. Toileting skills rarely appear in a smooth, steady climb. It is often a series of small steps forward, sideways, and occasionally backwards. And this is particularly obvious when children start nursery, preschool or school
Skills need time to set
I often explain this using the analogy of freshly poured concrete. When concrete is first poured, it looks solid, but it isn’t set. If you walked on it, you’d sink in. It cannot sustain any load until its set and if you build on it too quickly, it will falter until it has had time to set. Newly acquired toileting skills are like that.
At home, in a familiar environment, with predictable routines and low demand, a child may cope beautifully. But take that same child into nursery and suddenly:
There is noise.
Movement.
Other children.
Shared toilets.
Different adults.
Expectations of independence.
Emotional regulation demands.
Transitions.
Group routines.
The cognitive and emotional load increases dramatically. If toileting is still “wet concrete”, it may not hold under that weight.
Why skills drop off at nursery
When children enter high-demand environments, their nervous system prioritises what to focus on. They will usually put their energy into:
Social interaction
Following instructions
Sensory input
Emotional regulation
Separation from parents
Learning expectations
And doing this is a lot: something has to give. And very often, that “something” is the most recently acquired or newly emerging skill. And because in the early years, that is often potty training, the demands of maintaining success in those envuironments is just too much. So this is not a true regression in the developmental sense. It is better understood as a temporary system overload.
The skill hasn’t disappeared, because it’s there at home. It’s just not strong enough yet to survive under pressure.
What the research tells us
Developmental science consistently shows that skills such as executive function, emotional or self-regulation are still immature in the preschool years (1, 2). Skills like self-regulation are highly context-dependent (3) or environment-specific before they transfer beyond the setting in which they were first learned (4,5).
Cognitive load theory has also shown how Stress and cognitive load reduce access to newly learned behaviours (6). Because toileting depends heavily on interoception (body signal awareness), working memory (“I need to go”), inhibition (pause play), and motor planning, these are exactly the type of skills that become vulnerable under stress or overload. So when a child who manages beautifully at home has accidents at nursery, what we are seeing is not failure, it’s ‘cognitive triage’.
Why it can feel so worrying
When your child’s skills are lagging in this way, you might be thinking that you’ve done something wrong, they are having a regression, they should go back to nappies, you did it too soon / at the wrong time etc. But as you now understand, your child’s ability depends on the context and it can be influenced by the demand. So your child can be succeeding at home and overwhelmed at nursery at the same time.
What to do
When you understand that this is about demand exceeding capacity, its easier to stop worrying and know what to do. Here are my top tips
- Reduce expectation
Lower the pressure. Toileting doesn’t need to be perfect at nursery immediately. - Expect accidents
Accidents are not setbacks; they are information. They tell us the system is stretched. - Praise engagement to maintain motivation and cooperation
Focus on acknowledging when your child is engaging with the process, including things like sitting, communicating about accidents, helping clean up, considering and/or following prompts etc. These skills are the path to success.
Summary
If your child seems to wobble with toileting at nursery, it’s because their skills are still developing. Nursery or preschool is demanding and they may need to prioritise other skills. Over time, the skills they show you at home will transfer to other settings. Help the core skills to consolidate by lowering demand and pressure, trusting the natural developmental process and allowing your child more time for their skills to set
If this post didn’t quite fit your situation – perhaps you are having trouble getting your nursery on board with the approach that is working at home – don’t worry, I have resources to help you work in partnership with them. Download my free guide.
References:
- Best, John & Miller, Patricia. (2010). A Developmental Perspective on Executive Function. Child development. 81. 1641-60. 10.1111/j.1467-8624.2010.01499.x.
- Vidal Carulla C, Christodoulakis N, Adbo K. Development of Preschool Children’s Executive Functions throughout a Play-Based Learning Approach That Embeds Science Concepts. Int J Environ Res Public Health. 2021 Jan 12;18(2):588.
- Montroy JJ, Bowles RP, Skibbe LE, McClelland MM, Morrison FJ. The development of self-regulation across early childhood. Dev Psychol. 2016 Nov;52(11):1744-1762.
- Zike, J. (2021, June 2). Transferring skills and knowledge between contexts – implications for play-based learning?University of Strathclyde.
- Antalek, C., Dixon, F., Herbert, E., & Kolak, J. (2025). Identifying and supporting children and young people with cognition and learning needs: A rapid evidence review (Research Report, RR1547). UK Department for Education.
- Sweller, J., van Merriënboer, J.J.G. & Paas, F. Cognitive Architecture and Instructional Design: 20 Years Later. Educ Psychol Rev 31, 261–292 (2019).
Nurse Rebecca Mottram is an advocate for Baby Pottying and a potty training expert. She is the author of two books; The Baby Pottying Guide and Positively Potty, the host of the Go Potty Podcast and founder of the Little Bunny Bear shop. If you are trying to resolve a potty problem, you can explore Rebecca’s free resources, join her Facebook group or request a private consultation.