Are you wondering when you won’t have to constantly remind your child that it’s potty time? It’s a very common question and as parents, we can feel impatient for our child to take the initiative because it makes life easier! So when can we expect it and what can we do when it doesn’t seem to be happening?
You can see your child squirming, you know that they need a wee, they must know that they need a wee. You’ve told them so many times that when they feel that feeling they just need to stop what they are doing and wee in the potty. Why are they not taking the initiative!?
What do we mean by initiative?
Initiative in preschoolers refers to their ability to independently start activities, make decisions, and take responsibility for simple tasks without needing prompts from adults. It includes a wide range of behaviours, such as choosing to play a game on their own, getting dressed without being asked, starting a conversation and – yes – going off to use the potty or toilet without being prompted by you.
Taking the initiative in toiling looks different at different ages. For example, a baby might vocalise their need as a way of letting you know about it, a toddler might pull on your clothes or pull you towards the potty, or even crawl over to it themselves. An older toddler may use words, signs, gestures or phrases to tell you what they need, or may also just go off to the potty. As your child grows, their skills and capability grow, so their initiation develops in line with this. Starting to take initiative shows that they are beginning to take control over their environment, demonstrating self-confidence and decision-making skills. In toileting, self-initation demonstrates your child is beginning to internalise important skills like body awareness and knowledge that wee and poo need to go in a specific place.
Self-initiation is key to children’s cognitive, emotional, and social growth (and it also makes our life as parents a bit easier!) but it’s important to remember that self-initiation, like other skills your child is learning, don’t develop overnight. They take time, practice, and plenty of patience. The process of internalising body awareness and the control needed to stop playing and move towards the potty or toilet are some of the most difficult skills of potty training. So if your child isn’t yet initiating potty time, it doesn’t mean they’re falling behind—it likely means they just need more time to fully integrate these skills.
understanding How Preschoolers Learn
Meeting your child where they are at is always helpful, so let’s look at this developmentally.
There are four important theories of child development that can help us understand self-initiation skills in preschool-aged children.
- Jean Piaget, a foundational figure in developmental psychology, proposed that children move through stages of cognitive development. In the preoperational stage (ages 2-7), children begin to develop symbolic thinking, engage in pretend play, and start making decisions based on their understanding of the world around them. At this stage, play is the primary mechanism through which your child is learning and discovering, and this naturally leads them to take initiative by trying new activities and solving problems.
- Erik Erikson‘s Psychosocial Development Theory helps us understand that as children develop initiative, they begin to understand that they can control their world. This helps give them a sense of purpose and it is important that we nurture this by allowing them to have control as far as possible, and encouraging them even when they make mistakes.
- Lev Vygotsky‘s Sociocultural Theory introduced the concept of the zone of proximal development which represents the difference between what a child can do alone and what they can achieve with guidance. In practice, this means that you, as the parent, may begin by providing a lot of support and then gradually hand over the skill to your child as they learn to do things for themselves. This is the way to work in collaboration with your child and teach them skills over time.
- Albert Bandura’s Social Learning Theory emphasises the importance of role modelling as a way children learn how to behave. This means your child will be learning a lot just by watching and imitating others, especially peers and adults. When they see others engaging in certain tasks or taking initiative, they are more likely to mimic these actions and try them independently. Bandura’s concept of self-efficacy is also key here: as children successfully complete tasks on their own, their belief in their ability to perform tasks increases, encouraging more independence and self-initiation.
self initiation skills in potty learning
The four theories b=mentioned above give some important clues as to how we might help our child develop self-imitation in potty training:
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Use play.
Encourage pretend play related to potty training. For example, you can let your child practice with a doll or stuffed animal using a toy potty. This play helps them understand the process symbolically, making potty training more approachable and engaging. As they naturally enjoy trying new activities, introduce potty training as an exciting “grown-up” task to explore independently.
2. Give control
Give your toddler a sense of control by allowing them to make choices, such as selecting their potty, choosing whether to use it with or without your help, deciding what toys to have in a basket to help make potty time more fun, allowing them to create a dedicated private potty space etc. You can also give control by giving information about what their body is telling them and then adding something like “I know you will get your wee in the potty” to set them an expectation they can then take the initiative with. Celebrate their efforts, even if mistakes happen, to build their confidence and sense of purpose.
3. Use a scaffolding approach
At first you will need to give your child a lot of support, e.g. prompting, practical help to undress and sit, clean up and wash hands etc. But as you see your child starting to get it, gradually reduce your involvement, allowing them to try more on their own while offering gentle support when needed. This scaffolding approach helps them develop the skill at their own pace, with you gradually stepping back as their competence grows.
You can learn more about my Little Steps approach in my Go Potty™ Podcast and Go Potty™ Guide.
4. Role model
Allow your toddler to see you use the toilet. Talk them through the process, showing confidence in their ability to mimic what you are doing. Peer role modelling, such as watching another child successfully use the potty, can inspire your toddler to try it independently. Celebrate small successes to boost their self-efficacy, which will motivate further initiative.
Afterwards, reflect back to your child what you both observed. For example, you might say, “I noticed how your friend listens to their body when they need to use the bathroom. I saw you watching them, and I bet you’ll be able to do that too!” This kind of conversation not only reinforces the skill but also sends the message that you believe in your child’s ability to succeed.
Remember, preschoolers are at a stage where they learn best through repetition and role modelling. Each time they try something for themselves—whether it’s using the toilet, putting on their coat, or helping out with chores—they’re reinforcing these emerging skills.
develop skills across the board, not just potty skills
One of the best ways to nurture a child’s independence is by giving them tasks you know they can handle. For example, you might ask your child to get their shoes ready, help set the table, or carry their plate to the kitchen after a meal. These are small but meaningful opportunities for them to practice doing things on their own.
The more success your child experiences in these little moments, the more their confidence will grow. And as their confidence grows, so does their willingness to take on new tasks and responsibilities. Each success creates a positive cycle: they do something on their own, you praise their effort, and they’re motivated to try again.
Final Thoughts
The journey to self-initiation and independence is a gradual one. It’s easy to become impatient or worried if it seems like your child isn’t progressing as quickly as others. But remember that every child develops at their own pace. The key is to create an environment that supports their growth by offering plenty of opportunities for practice, encouragement, and positive reinforcement.
By celebrating their small wins, involving them in manageable tasks, and allowing them to learn from peers, you’re helping them build the confidence and skills they need to take the initiative in everyday life. Trust the process, be patient, and know that your support is making all the difference in your child’s journey towards toileting independence – and more!
Nurse Rebecca Mottram is an advocate for Baby Pottying and a potty training expert. She is the author of two books; The Baby Pottying Guide and Positively Potty, the host of the Go Potty Podcast and founder of the Little Bunny Bear shop. If you are trying to resolve a potty problem, you can explore Rebecca’s free resources, join her Facebook group or request a private consultation.
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