Many co-parents aim for an equitable split of their parenting responsibilities but some children express a strong preference for one parent at potty time. Nurse Rebecca Mottram, host of the Go Potty Podcast, explains what parental preference is and how to resolve it in a child-centred way.
What is parental preference?
Parental preference is when a child consistently favours one parent over the other for certain tasks or moments, like potty time. It’s a normal part of development and usually reflects familiarity, comfort, or excitement — not a problem with the other parent. In fact, it’s actually a sign of a secure attachment and a reflection of good parenting! When children learn that different parents have different things to offer, it shows healthy cognitive growth and a secure attachment.
To be clear: parental preference is not the same as separation anxiety, when your child becomes distressed whenever you are out of sight or leaving. Separation anxiety is a normal part of development in young children between the ages of 6 months and 3 years and is something they move through as they grow. Parental preference is usually something you can actively resolve if it’s causing a problem during Potty Training or Baby Potty Learning (Elimination Communication.)
why does Parental Preference happen?
The transition from nappies to using the potty or toilet can be a sensitive time for your child. If they spend more time with one parent, they may naturally turn to them when they need to go to the toilet or ask for help with things like wiping. This isn’t a sign that something is wrong with the other parent or the relationship — it’s simply because one parent is more familiar.
Sometimes, a child might prefer the parent they see less, simply because it’s exciting for them to share this new milestone. For example, they may want to show that parent how proud they are to use the toilet.
It’s also possible that one parent’s way of handling the situation just feels more comfortable or reassuring to the child.
5 ways to resolve parental preference at potty time
1. Connect and show empathy
“It’s ok to cry, I know it feels tough not having Daddy here right now”
If you are not the preferred parent, make sure to dedicate time outside of potty learning to reset your connection. Quality one-on-one time might be 10 minutes to play the game of their choice, or read a book with them. It might also mean noticing if you have been distracted by something on your phone or are frequently saying no to things recently that you could have said yes to.
2. Regulate yourself to avoid emotional manipulation
In this moment, you might be feeling:“It hurts Daddy’s feelings when you choose Mummy” but this is not what your child needs to hear. The goal is to create a safe space for their feelings and model emotional regulation – they are not responsible for your feelings.
3. Show understanding and establish boundaries
Validating your child’s feelings makes such a difference. We all need to be heard, and knowing that their parent has heard and understood them helps children to work through big feelings.
“I know, it is so much fun when Mummy takes you to the toilet. Today it is Daddy’s turn, but Mummy will be back tomorrow!”
If you are the preferred parent, resist the temptation to step in and help. Let the other parent explain that you are not available and then follow through. Your child needs to learn that both parents are capable of meeting their needs.
4. Consider replicating rituals, and create your own
If you are the preferred parent, you and your child may be used to potty time being done a certain way. The other parent might do things differently and this is OK. Each parent has a unique bond with their child and what works best for one parent might not be the same as what works for the other parent. If one parent prompting always leads to a “no,” communicate what you have seen work and then let them find their own way. Create your own rituals!
“It’s so much fun when Daddy reads you a book at potty time. Shall we sing our favourite song together?”
5. Gain their trust through playfulness
Nothing builds connection with children like silliness does and play is a powerful learning tool. Research shows that pre-school children absorb information best when we meet them in their imagination and make it a fun experience. This can really help to reduce any pressure or stress.
Download my free guide to making potty time playful!
Got a potty problem?
We offer expert advice which is child-centred and evidence-based to resolve all sorts of issues related to potty learning – whether Baby Potty Learnining (also known as Elimination Communication, EC, baby pottying, potty whispering, infant toileting, baby-led potty training or natural infant hygiene) or Potty Training (also known as Toilet Training).
Nurse Rebecca Mottram is an advocate for Baby Pottying and a potty training expert. She is the author of two books; The Baby Pottying Guide and Positively Potty, the host of the Go Potty Podcast and founder of the Little Bunny Bear shop. If you are trying to resolve a potty problem, you can explore Rebecca’s free resources, join her Facebook group or request a private consultation.