A family comes to me for support. We explore their child’s unique temperament, development and the emotional and practical factors shaping what’s happening with potty learning. I help them understand the patterns driving the behaviour, and together we create a clear, child-centred plan to shift those patterns and unblock progress. Families usually leave feeling calmer, clearer and more confident about the path forward.
But then, sometimes, it seems that everything starts to go wrong…
More accidents.
More resistance.
More tears and doubt.
When parents reach out after a consultation with this sort of message, I always feel a little jolt of fear as my inner impostor has her moment, before remembering that all will be well and that I’m so glad they got back in touch as it gives me the chance to explain what’s happening, so they can trust the support they invested in and are not worrying that they’re doing something wrong.
The “its-all-gone-wrong” phase does happen sometimes, and in fact it happened recently with one of my private consultation families.
They had a bright, curious toddler who was strong-willed, active and fiercely independent. This was the kind of child who likes to do things in their own time and in their own way. He understood what the potty was for and had already had some success. On the surface, everything suggested he was capable, so the problem wasn’t a lack of skill.
But slowly, toileting had become stressful.
He didn’t like being interrupted during play. He resisted prompts. A lot of accidents were happening. Everyone was trying their best to help, but the emotional temperature in the house was creeping up. During the consultation, we developed a plan that would allow him more privacy, control and ownership. We also tackled the underlying constipation which was causing anxiety and withholding. By the end of the consultation, his parents were confident they had a great plan and knew how to get going with it.
And then just a few days later, things got worse…
They got back in touch to tell me that they had started implementing the plan. But instead of seeing the change they needed, there was suddenly an increase in accidents, resistance and frustration. Of course, they were freaking out that things were going backwards and understandably, they questioned whether they had made the right changes at all.
I offered a follow-up call for the week after, to discuss it. And as I expected, just before we were due to speak, I got another update. This time, things had begun to change for the better…
Their child started taking himself off to wee or poo in his own time. Accidents reduced. The emotional intensity softened. They ultimately decided they didn’t need the follow-up appointment (which is exactly what I aim for: to offer families enough clarity and confidence in one consultation to move forward independently).
So what had happened?
Why are the potty problems getting worse?
When a child has felt pressure, uncertainty or loss of control around toileting (even very unintentionally), their nervous system can become protective. Resistance, avoidance and accidents are often signs of that protection kicking in, not stubbornness or lack of ability. Whats driving this protective mechanism is nearly always fear and anxiety.
Change is often a key driver of fear and anxiety because any meaningful change (even a positive one) initially feels like uncertainty to the body. Children who have been living with potty problems for a while (and other problems for that matter), develop habits to protect themselves from that fear. For this child, prompting made him feel under pressure, that pressure felt like a loss of control, and the lost of control activated the defense mechanisms of avoidance. That loop, while stressful, was predictable. His body knew exactly how to protect itself inside it.
As the pattern changed to decrease this pressure and focus on trust, structured choice and empathy, a child’s nervous system has to recalibrate. Old habits stop working. The brain starts learning a new way of feeling safe and in charge. And that recalibration phase can look messy:
- More testing of boundaries
- More emotional reactions
- More accidents
- More uncertainty
So from the outside, it can feel like everything is falling apart just when you thought you were doing the right thing.
In reality, it’s a bit like getting off a boat after being on the water for a while, or taking off skates. For a moment, things feel weird because your body is recalibrating and finding a new balance. Once the nervous system settles, things start to work again.
Why this doesn’t mean your child isn’t ready
Successful independence from nappies isn’t just about physical ability. It’s also about emotional safety, autonomy, confidence and trust in the process. Many children already have the skills they need, what they’re often waiting for is to feel relaxed and in control enough to use them.
Short-term regression after a thoughtful change often means:
✔️ The old patterns are breaking
✔️ Your child is adjusting to a new expectation
✔️ Their nervous system is reorganising
✔️ Learning is still happening under the surface
Sometimes I describe this to parents as a bit like cement setting: when first poured it’s unstable. But give it time, and it gradually becomes a solid foundation.
What helps during this phase
- Keep things simple. Avoid layering lots of strategies at once.
- Protect privacy and dignity. Many children need space to feel safe.
- Reduce pressure and unnecessary prompting.
- Stay calm and neutral around accidents.
- Trust that regulation comes before skill consolidation.
Most importantly, be kind to yourself. These phases can feel particularly emotionally draining for parents, even when things are moving in the right direction.
Potty learning isn’t a straight line. It’s a developmental journey with pauses, wobbles and bursts of growth. Sometimes the step that feels like a step backwards is actually the nervous system finding its new balance.
If you’re in that wobble right now, you’re not doing it wrong. You’re often closer to progress than it feels.
Feeling overwhelmed by a potty problem?
I have lots of free resources for you, but if you are overwhelmed and not sure what steps to take, please do get in touch with me for a private consultation.
Nurse Rebecca Mottram is an advocate for Baby Pottying and a potty training expert. She is the author of two books; The Baby Pottying Guide and Positively Potty, the host of the Go Potty Podcast and founder of the Little Bunny Bear shop. If you are trying to resolve a potty problem, you can explore Rebecca’s free resources, join her Facebook group or request a private consultation.